PBS, NPR threaten 24-hour, seven days-a-week fundraising if federal funds are cut off
In a desperate move that sent shivers down the spines of every American, PBS and NPR have threatened to air fundraising pleas all day, every day, if President Trump cuts off their federal funding.
“This isn’t an empty threat, we’re serious,” said PBS CEO Paula Kerger. “We know our viewers hate it when we do that rotten fundraising every few months. Of course, we save our best programming for that time. Well, it’ll be different this time, bub! Trump had better watch out; we aren’t kidding around.”
When it was pointed out to Kerger that not many people would watch PBS if it were nothing but fundraising, Kerger noted, “Nobody watches us now, but we are vital to the country.”
NPR CEO Katherine Maher said she is willing to work with the Trump administration to keep federal funding.
“I have sent a formal letter to the president advising him that if he does not pull funding for NPR, we promise to hire a Republican sometime in the next five years,” Maher said. “Granted, I don’t know any, but I suspect that if we opened up a nationwide search, one would pop up somewhere. Maybe Ana Navarro is available. She’s a Republican who hates Republicans. That’s my kind of Republican and one our listeners, both of them, could really accept.”
Kerger noted that without PBS, children would have limited educational opportunities.
“Besides the multitude of cable viewing options, streaming, online, smartphones, and schools, there are hardly any places where kids can learn,” Kerger declared. “Okay, maybe not schools.”
Kerger also stated that Elmo and Cookie Monster would be launching a nationwide protest tour. The tour will begin at the Tesla dealership in Arlington, Virginia, and hit many major cities across the country.
“No Tesla will be safe as long as I’ve got something to say about it,” Elmo said in his scary voice. “Trump and that Musk guy better watch out.”
“Yeah, what he said,” Cookie Monster added.
“Yeah, what he said,” echoed Kerger and Maher in unison.