Lonely, anxious young Americans complain about being lonely and anxious
A recent poll by Polls-R-Us found that young Americans, especially those in Gen Z, are lonely and anxious most of the time. Many poll respondents said they would probably do something about it, except that, you know, they’re lonely and anxious.
Brett Clusterbrook of New Haven, Connecticut, said, “I’m pushing 30, but still live with my parents and younger sister. Yet, I feel lonely. Like, when I get up in the morning, well, it’s really the afternoon, everybody is gone. It’s like they’re all at work or something. There’s nobody there to, you know, pick up my room and stuff, or make me lunch. I have to do those things all by myself. I told my mom that if things didn’t change, I’d have to move out before I turn 40.”
Mimi Grundstone of Tulsa, Oklahoma, said, “I haven’t spoken to another human being in person in about three years. Mostly because I’m lonely and anxious. I should probably do something about that, but it might be kind of hard, so I probably won’t.”
The poll showed that older Americans are far less anxious about the future than the younger generations.
“Of course, they are less anxious about the future,” responded Mutz Milliken. Their future ends in about 20 minutes. The only thing they need to worry about is how many trips to the bathroom between now and when they die. I’ve got to worry about climate change, which could end the world in about…20 minutes. I think I should probably go to the bathroom.”
Liz Wooferbaum, a student at Harvard, said, “I was going to respond to the survey, but, quite honestly, I was too lonely and anxious. “What if I answer it wrong? I mean, I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t have any friends. I’m just here at Harvard to protest stuff. What are we protesting today? I mean, besides Trump. We’re always protesting Trump and Israel. Sometimes it gets a little tedious. I think that might be why I’m so lonely and anxious. It might also be that I’m a miserable person to be around.”
Dr. Flem Armbrister reviewed the poll numbers and concluded that you Americans are not just lonely and anxious. They are also insufferable.
“Taken as a whole, I think we can all determine that we’d all be better off without young people,” Armbrister said. “Maybe everybody should just start in middle age. People like themselves better in middle age. Plus, they’re all pretty much past acne.”