Elementary school Satan Club sponsors car wash fundraiser
The Dumberville Hills Elementary School’s Satan Club will be holding a car wash each Saturday for the next month. The money from the fundraiser will help pay for the costs associated with the club’s production of a musical version of The Exorcist.
Mallory Inglenook, a sixth-grade teacher at the school, is the sponsor of the club and is helping put on the play.
“The kids are really excited about the play, and Satan, especially since we’ll be changing the ending to make sure Satan wins,” Inglenook said as she stood in front of a sign that said, “Hell isn’t real!”
“Changing the ending was my idea, but the kids really jumped on it,” she added. “I think Satan always gets a bum rap. Sure, Satan is evil and of course, he is into the destruction of all things that are good, but it gives the kids something to aspire to. Most of the kids in the club want to get into politics when they grow up. This is a good primer.”
Ally Bommersmak, one of the Satan Club members, who also has a supporting part in the play said, “Some of us saw the Grammys. We know that Satan sells. Did you know that if you move the “n” in from of the “t” in Satan you get Santa? We’re hoping to make our version of The Exorcist a new traditional holiday favorite.”
Some parents with kids in the school are a bit uncomfortable with the club existing at all.
“My daughter told me about the club,” said Maria Anchovy. “She wanted to try out for the lead in the play. I don’t think I want her head spinning completely around. She’s already seeing a chiropractor.”
Lindsay Bastenock, the mother of third-grader Chelsey, won’t be taking her car to the car wash.
The cars will come out dirtier after the car wash,” Basternock said. “And it’ll probably have a broken windshield. That’s how Satan works, you know.” I might go to the play, though. I hear the song ‘Don’t Cry for Me, Prince of Darkness’ is a real show stopper.”
George Headwork, the father of fourth-grade twins Belmont and Frederick, took exception to the teacher’s sign.
“What does she mean Hell isn’t real?” Headwork asked. “Anyone who was married to my ex-wife would certainly know that Hell is real. My God, is it real!”
Golden Hills principal Ed Moon believes parents are making way too much out of the whole thing.
“At Dumberville Hills we are all about inclusiveness,” Moon said. “We want every child here to feel that they belong. Especially the weird kids. And he dumb kids. Not so much the smart kids, though. Fortunately, we don’t have too many of those enrolled here. Of course, we understand that some kids may spend the rest of eternity burning in Hell or married to the former Mrs. Headwork, assuming there’s a difference, but at least they won’t be alone. Have you spent any time on Tik Tok lately?”