Biden claims he was eaten by cannibals during Civil War

While speaking before a group of schoolchildren in Birmingham, Alabama this week, President Biden claimed he was eaten by cannibals who were fighting for the South during the Civil War.  He said he was down in Alabama at the time marching for better movies to be made about the Civil War, ones that portrayed him as freeing slaves.

“I remember marching down here many years ago,” Biden said.  “I also remember getting arrested for a misspelling I had on my sign.  I think it said, ‘Free the Slavs.’  I tried to explain that I didn’t spell it wrong, but a lot of Slavs were in the south at the time.   Anyway, when they arrested me, they gave me a choice, either I could become a Slav or I could be eaten by cannibals.  Naturally, I chose to be eaten.  If not for that, I would have been an All-American.”

NPR commented on how well Biden looked for someone eaten by cannibals 160 years ago.  NPR CEO Katherine Maher said, “We believe the story to be true, despite the mathematical, biological, historical, and logical contortions required.  All of the Democrats here at NPR agree.  We are still waiting to hear from a Republican on staff, whenever we hire one.  That was a joke.  We’ll never hire a Republican.  But, let me remind everyone, here at NPR, the truth matters – just not very much.”

White House press secretary commented on the veracity of Biden’s claims of being eaten by cannibals during the Civil War.

“We have been very clear about when and how often cannibals have eaten this president,” Jean-Pierre said.  “This president has been eaten by more cannibals in his first term than all other previous presidents combined.  That’s a record we are very proud of.  The presumptive Republican nominee was never eaten by cannibals.  No self-respecting cannibal would eat him.”

Jean-Pierre said the President would be making stops in Scranton, Wilmington, and Baltimore over the weekend, where he would be eaten by cannibals at each stop.