New York Times says Constitution is the problem, It's time for a checkup
The New York Times recently claimed the United States would be much better off if that damn Constitution weren’t around mucking everything up. For example, the paper stated things would be great if instead of having a Supreme Court around to settle disputes it was left up to somebody else – like the New York Times or the women of The View.
“So many of our problems could be eliminated if we just did away with the Constitution,” the Times wrote. “Free speech, who needs it? Freedom of the press, who ne…, er, uh, well. Anyway, if you don’t believe us, ask a dentist.”
It’s true. Four out of five dentists agree that the Constitution is the second leading cause of tooth decay in America, right behind Hostess Ding Dongs.
Emil Stuffenberger, President of the American Dental Association stated, “There’s no way we’re going to get Americans to give up their Ding Dongs, but we firmly believe they would have no problem getting rid of the Constitution. You know, the more people talk, the worse their teeth get, especially people like Elon Musk. It’s a fact. I’m a dentist, trust me. So, to make sure Musk has good dental health, we suggest doing away with the First Amendment. And if while we’re getting rid of that, we might as well get rid of all of the others too.”
Suzy Quartzenstance, senior editor at the New York Times, said, “See, we told you. If you can’t trust a dentist, well, you know.”
Former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich noted, “The Constitution doesn’t allow for people that I don’t like to be arrested, simply because I don’t like them. I think that’s wrong. I ask all Americans to stand up with me on this issue. No, really, I am standing. I’m not kidding. I know it looks like I’m not, but I am.”
Dr. Anthony Fauci, former Director of Obnoxious Diseases, said, “We don’t need Americans to have rights, especially when we will require that everyone wear a bag over their head to prevent the spread of (fill in the blank) Pox. It won’t be too onerous, we will give them the option of paper or plastic, except in California, of course.
Vice President Kamala Harris added, “My values have not changed. And I will let everyone know what those values are as soon as the election is over.”
The New York Times concluded its assessment of the matter by stating, “Just think of the joy of having no Constitution. Sure, maybe there would be a gulag or two, but there’s joy in that too. Just ask a dentist.”