Kamala Harris as the separate, but equal candidate
The Kamala Harris campaign, whose new campaign slogan is “Segregation today, segregation tomorrow, blah, blah, blah,” has begun hosting virtual fundraising events for specific segregated groups based on ethnicity and gender. This is done so each specific group can avoid mixing with “those kinds of people,” according to Harris’s campaign staff. For people keeping score at home, here is a list of a few of the segregated groups that will be involved in the various virtual fundraising events for the Harris campaign.
White men with college degrees
White men without college degrees
White men with or without college degrees who refer to themselves as “Dudes”
White women with college degrees with their listening ears on (as opposed to the other kind that flap in the wind when one sticks one’s head out of the window while riding in the car)
White women without college degrees
White women with or without college degrees who consider men who call themselves “Dudes” to be real a******s
White men without college degrees, but say they have degrees to impress women with college degrees they meet at bars
White women with college degrees who know the men they meet at bars who claim they have college degrees really don’t have degrees, but agree to date them anyway
Black men with college degrees
Black men without college degrees, but were three-year offensive or defensive starters at one of the SEC schools
Black men with degrees in sales or communications, which is the same thing as men without college degrees
Black women with college degrees in women’s or ethnic studies, which is the same thing as women without college degrees
Black women without college degrees
Black women with college degrees who married black men who want to sit around all Saturday watching college football with their buddies at Buffalo Wild Wings
Hispanic men with college degrees
Hispanic men without college degrees
Hispanic men without college degrees but who plan on “taking a few classes in the fall”
Hispanic women with college degrees who find themselves working at the customer service desk at Walmart
Hispanic women without college degrees who seem to have better jobs than the Hispanic women with college degrees working at the customer service desk at Walmart
Asian men with college degrees in math or science
Asian men with college degrees in something other than math or science (This is, of course, the smallest of the segregated groups)
Asian women with college degrees, but who still live at home with their parents and seven younger siblings
Asian women without college degrees
Men who were somehow scammed online by a 17-year-old boy from Cameroon out of a few thousand bucks because he convinced them they were dating Jennifer Aniston (This, of course, is the largest of the segregated groups)
Women in their forties who dress like their college-aged daughters
Men in their forties who want to date college-aged daughters of women in their forties