Denver announced it is defunding the city’s police and fire departments to fund Amazon gift cards, per diem meal allotments, and credit cards with no limits for incoming illegal immigrants. Mayor Mike Johnston announced he has secured promises from the city’s criminals and arsonists that there will be a commensurate reduction in their activity, as well.
“So many times we were told that we couldn't be compassionate while still being fiscally responsible,” Johnston said. “And as this budget proves…we can’t. Denver residents should nevertheless be happy that we are not asking that they house the ‘newcomers’ in that third bedroom or home office. At least not yet.”
Milton Sequi, president of Denver’s Arsonist Union Local 457 said, “We believe we can reduce the fires that our members start by a little bit to help out the mayor. If nothing else, we can keep them a little smaller. Here at Local 457, we are all about the community. And just for the record, I don’t have a spare bedroom - I set fire to it last month.”
Johnston also was pleased to announce an additional benefit to Denver residents.
“Every resident of our fine city will be getting their lawn mowed at no expense to them,” Johnston said. “It turns out that a lot of the ‘newcomers’ have experience in lawn maintenance. And if you try to mow your own lawn, you will be arrested and subject to severe penalties. We have enough money in the police budget for that, just not much else.”
Johnston said he believes it’s important to welcome the “newcomers” and do all he can for them, even if it’s at the expense of existing residents.
“It’s sort of like the cable company,” Johnston noted. “They give a lot of perks and discounts to people to entice them to become customers, but once they have you as a customer, they don’t really give a damn about you. This budget says the same thing.”
Besides the lawnmowing thing, Johnston added the only thing he asks of the “newcomers” is to vote for him in the next election.
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