Student protesters forcibly took control of Hamilton Hall on the Columbia University campus and promptly renamed it Hamilton Gallery. The protesters wanted to make a statement with the name change but did not want to completely affect the building’s namesake, suntanned actor George Hamilton.
Once they had complete control of the building, the protesters stated they would not vacate until the Columbia administration capitulated to their demands.
Paula Droolville, spokesperson for the protesters, said, “We plan on staying for a while. So, we would like Columbia to provide humanitarian aid. You know – food and beverages. We’ll eventually get hungry and we have no way to eat, except the vending machines – and those will run out of Cheetos and Milky Way bars pretty damn quick.”
Next, Droolville outlined the protesters’ specific demands for food and beverages.
“We have given Columbia a list of humanitarian aid we want them to get for us. There is an Italian joint near campus and we have a list of menu items we’d like the school to provide. This includes 37 orders of spaghetti and meatballs, 14 orders of linguini with clam sauce, 22 rounds of shrimp scampi, 11 orders of chicken marsala, and one lemon chicken. Excuse me, make that two lemon chickens. And don’t forget the breadsticks. We also need 20 bottles of cabernet and an equal number of bottles of chardonnay. To show that we are not unreasonable, we will accept their house brand. Finally, we demand Columbia provide a generous tip of at least 22 percent. We don’t want people to think we’re cheap.”
Drooville finally got down to the demands of the protesters, demands they say must be met for them to vacate Hamilton Gallery.
First, they demand more free stuff and lots of it. “We want free stuff from the river to the sea,” she said.
Second, they demand that all Jewish students at Columbia become ex-students at Columbia. They added that Columbia’s DEI office should be able to handle the paperwork. “While we can’t say for certain, we’re pretty sure George Hamilton would want it that way too,” Drooville noted.
Next, they demand the university property be renamed the Free State of Palestine. They claimed that probably wouldn’t bother anybody once their second demand is met.
Finally, they want free tickets to Broadway shows, particularly ones that show the Holocaust in a favorable light.
The protesters are confident these demands can be met since they aren’t big deals. But, until they are met, they expect more cabernet, and not in those little plastic red cups that they use at tailgate parties before football games.
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