Columbia University grapples with plan to deal with Jewish problem
Anti-Israeli protests at Columbia University have highlighted the problem the school, like many other universities, has with Jews. There are too many of them – Jews, that is - and they are on campus and everything, according to faculty members and non-Jewish undergraduates. When asked what the proper number of Jewish students enrolled at Columbia should be, Esther Ruhland, Chief Officer for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion said, “We think zero is a good number.”
Ruhland added, “You’ll notice there is no J-E-W in D-E-I. Okay, I guess there is an E, but you get my point, right?”
The school administration has been grappling with the issue since October when the blatant antisemitism at many colleges around the country became ridiculously obvious, as the discussion below illustrates.
Esther Ruhland: What are we going to do? We can’t just sit here and expect the problem to go away.
Zerk Moreland, Chief Officer for Student Safety: What problem? Can’t we just arrest the Jewish students? I mean, they are disrupting the protesting, er, I mean learning, of our pro-Palestinian students by, you know, just being here. The other students don’t feel safe chanting “Death to Israel” with Jewish students around.
Lo Burlingame, dean of the school’s Joseph Goebbels School of Mass Communication: We must put this whole issue to bed. There’s got to be an answer. There’s got to be some…some final solution.
Moreland: Okay, if we can’t arrest them, and I think that’s still the best option, here’s another idea. What if we were to require that any Jewish student at Columbia wear some type of identifying mark on their clothing? You know, maybe a lapel pin or a star or something. That way, the rest of the students would easily know who and where the Jewish students were and they could avoid them – after they beat them up, of course.
Burlingame: I kind of like that idea, especially the beating part. We want to make our campus safe for our pro-Palestinian students and faculty to yell, scream, and threaten the Jewish students. We need to do it for the kids.
Moreland: Maybe we could arrest the Jewish students and say it’s for their safety?
Burlingame: But, then the pro-Palestinian students couldn’t beat them up.
Moreland: Good point. Perhaps we could put all of the Jewish students in one place. You know, wall them in or something.
Ruhland: Zerk, I think you’re on to something. Let’s get these ideas in place before my job as DEI director is eliminated. Fortunately, I hear Hamas is hiring.