College protesters chant death to America, but please pay our student loans first
Colleges and Universities around the country have had to deal with anti-whatever protests on their campuses in recent weeks. Protesters hate Israel, Hot Pockets, and the United States, though not necessarily in that order.
Many protests have also seen United States and Israeli flags burned and Hot Pockets over-cooked.
Mandolyn Starwell, a perpetually depressed sustainability major at Northwest Middle Pennsylvania State School for the Faint of Heart, expressed the concerns of many of her fellow students at a recent protest on campus.
“We hate the United States,” Starwell shouted to a group of mostly D students. “What has the United States ever done for us? Sure, maybe a really high standard of living for us, great cell phone coverage, our own bedroom, especially after my sister moved out, and the ability to binge-watch every season of Sex in the City. Are those any reasons to love America? Well, sure, maybe – but we hate it anyway. It’s vile, it’s corrupt, it’s evil and...I had to wait in line for three days outside of the Apple store to get my last iPhone – and there were still three creeps in line ahead of me. We hate America – and could you please make sure you pay our student loans? Oh, and we hate Israel too.”
Protesting NWMPSSFH students have set up an encampment on the campus lawn and have promised not to leave until the school stops teaching classes, especially ones where learning takes place.
“We feel we have learned enough,” beer pong major Dert “Dirt” McElroy said. “What else is there to learn? I mean, especially from the Spanish professor I had last semester. She was a Nazi.”
“The Nazis hated Jews,” interjected Googe Melvin, a 20th Century footwear history major.
“We hate the Jews,” McElroy said. “Does that make us Nazis?”
“Pretty much,’ Melvin replied.
“Oh,” McElroy responded. “I guess maybe she wasn’t so bad after all. She gave me a D- though. She said I couldn’t roll my R’s. That’s why I hate America. Sort of, I think.”
Conversations like this, usually at a very high decibel level have been occurring on campuses across the country.
Milt Grifter, a professor of Post-Little Mermaid Disney and Culture at NWMPSSFH, said, “The faculty here has tried extremely hard to turn our students into worthless human beings, much like we are. We seem to be doing pretty well, I’d say. If the students can keep this up for a few more weeks, I won’t have to teach another class this semester. I might even get a pass on summer school. Is this a great country to hate or what?”