Climate protesters disrupt golf tournament and demand…something
Climate protesters ran onto the eighteenth hole on Sunday during the final round of the Travelers Championship PGA tournament. They were protesting, uh, we aren’t exactly sure.
The disruption occurred as Scottie Scheffler was lining up his birdie putt.
“I was just getting ready to putt when I saw this commotion,” Scheffler said. “I couldn’t read what was on their shirts, but I was pretty sure they weren’t golf fans, due to their white pasty thighs. That’s always a dead giveaway.”
The protesters wore shirts that read “No Death On the Golf Channel.” It was unclear what precisely that meant initially. Later, while being led away in handcuffs, protester Zuke McFeeny explained.
“There was a mix-up with the guy who printed the t-shirts,” McFeeny said. “They were supposed to say, ‘No Golf On a Dead Planet.’ We used the cousin of another one of the protesters here and he screwed it up. I mean, ‘No Death On the Gold Channel’ makes no sense. We didn’t want to use him, he’s pretty much of an idiot. But, Cuddelsdorf over there, he’s the one in handcuffs lying face down in the bunker, he said his cousin would do a great job – and he was cheap. Cheap, maybe, but he’s an idiot.”
McFeeny was asked what ‘No Golf On a Dead Planet” means and he seemed to be at a loss about that, as well.
“Look, we’re climate protesters, whatever that is, so we aren’t supposed to make much sense,” McFeeny said. “I remember my dad took me to a golf tournament once when I was fourteen. Phil Mickelson hit an errant tee shot and smacked me straight in the face. Nearly knocked the braces clean out of my mouth. I’ve hated golf ever since. I probably wouldn’t even be here protesting today if it wasn’t for Phil Mickelson. Mickelson – I blame you!”
Stinky Rebellion, a climate activist group whose members bathe irregularly, issued a news release claiming responsibility for the protest.
“Sure, maybe we got the t-shirts wrong, but we really think that the planet is on fire. No, we aren’t talking about Scottie Scheffler’s putting, although he has been on fire with his putter lately. We think climate change, whatever that is, really affects everything on the planet, including Scottie Scheffler’s putting, not to mention his drives off the tee.”
“Golf fans should know better than most that the game is so dependent on the weather. Therefore, we demand that it should never rain from Thursday through Sunday during the PGA season. We don’t give a damn about the pro-am on Wednesdays.”