Canada’s online speech law criminalizes speech it deems, well, criminal. It doesn’t even have to be speech, thoughts work too. It is supposed to go after bad guys with bad intentions, but it can nab everyone in its wake. Here is an example:
Online Speech Officer Frank Doodie: Are you Mr. Pierre Mountbank?
Pierre Mountbank: Yes, I am.
Online Speech Officer Frank Frankle: You live here in Winnipeg, right?
Mountbank: Yeah, sure. What’s this all about?
Frankle: We’ve got a complaint about some questionable online activity.
Mountbank: Online? I’m barely online these days. I’m watching the Stanley Cup playoffs. What are you talking about?
Frankle: It’s pretty serious stuff, I’m afraid.
Mountbank: Serious? What do you mean serious? Okay, I’m going to come clean. I went to a site that had some scantily clad women. You know, sometimes you just click something, and off you go. But, I only went there once, honest.
Doodie: That’s all well and good, but that’s not why we’re here. Do you remember posting something about Justin Trudeau during the pandemic?
Mountbank: Uh, sure. Didn’t everybody? It’s still a free country, right? I think the truckers got screwed.
Frankle: Free country, you’re funny.
Doodie: The complaint alleges that you referred to Justin Trudeau, you know he’s the prime minister and all, right? Anyway, it says you referred to him as a dweeb.
Mountbank: Um, sure. Is that bad? I mean, I wasn’t wrong.
Frankle: Doesn’t matter. It violates the online hate speech law.
Mountbank: But that law is new. My post was about three years ago.
Frankle: Doesn’t matter.
Mountbank: What’s the big deal?
Doodie: You called him a dweeb. In a post. Online.
Mountbank: This is dumb. He is a dweeb. Who squealed on me?
Doodie: We really can’t say.
Frankle: Ah, we can tell him. I mean, it’s in the complaint.
Doodie: Alright. It says here, the complaint was filed by a Junior Mountbank. Hey, same last name. Do you know this person?
Mountbank: He’s my son. His name is Lawrence, but everybody calls him Junior. He squealed on me? He’s four. Why would you listen to a four-year-old?
Frankle: He seemed pretty credible.
Mountbank: He still wears pajamas with the feet in them and thinks the toys in a Happy Meal are cool.
Doodie: We think he’s a hero. They have already requested a permit to build a statue of him downtown.
Mountbank: Look, I love the kid and all, but he’s not a hero. Hell, he’s only been potty trained for a year. And why should he be a hero for snitching on his dad?
Frankle: Trudeau thinks he’s a hero. Wants to give him a medal and his own show on TV or something. Now, what about the future? Do you have any thoughts of posting other derogatory comments about Trudeau?
Mountbank: Uh, I don’t know. Maybe.
Doodie: That’s it. You’re going to have to come with us. Thought crimes are worse than actually committing a crime. That kid of yours will be living off of a government pension by the time you ever see the light of day again.
Mountbank: But, I didn’t do anything, I just thought about it.
Frankle: Doesn’t matter.
Way to make a humorous tale out of some sadly true conditions. Love your stuff, Curtice.
Not far from the truth. Err, can I say that?