In a stunning development, Martha’s Vineyard, home to many of the more affluent left-wingers this side of Barbara Streisand’s house, is about to run out of pot.
When he heard the news, 77-year-old long-time resident Bernie Olmstead said, “Bummer, man. I mean, uh…”
Josey Fields, who thinks he voted for George McGovern in the last presidential election, said, “I went to, you know, the place and they said they were, like, all out of pot, man. They gave me an oatmeal raisin cookie instead. I went home and started crying and I haven’t stopped. That was, like, a month ago. Or, maybe it was Tuesday.”
That appears to be the sentiment of most of the residents of the rich and liberal enclave. It is unclear if the problem is the result of low supply or over-consumption. Vice-Mayor Wendy Ritz believes it has reached crisis level and has asked the federal government for assistance.
“We have reached out to the White House,” Ritz said. “We don’t know where else to turn. This situation is unmanageable. Martha would be pretty pissed, I think. I haven’t taken a hit since last Thursday. As I’m sure everyone can understand, I’m a bit shaky right now. Help us, God! Please help us. And if God can’t, maybe the president can.”
White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said, “We feel for the residents of Martha’s Vineyard in these very difficult times, particularly a certain couple who used to be residents of the White House. No, I don’t mean George Stephanopoulos. First global warming and now this. How much more can these poor folks take? However, this does not appear to be a federal issue. Nevertheless, once his trial has concluded, the President has said he will dispatch Hunter Biden to observe the situation. As some of you may be aware, he does have some experience with, shall we say, controlled substances.”
This news was met with great excitement among the residents.
“Hunter, he’s like, uh…,” Olmstead declared.
Ritz noted that the nerves of Martha’s Vineyards residents are shot and any relief will help.
“I’m a basket case right now,” said Ritz. “To calm my nerves, I’ve watched The English Patient seven times since Saturday. Hunter can’t get here soon enough.”
However, Loomis Luther, one of Hunter Biden’s attorneys, did pour some cold water on his client’s ability to rectify the situation.
“Our client has always been more of a consumer rather than on the side of distribution, so we aren’t sure how much help he’ll be. But, what the hell.”
Delightfully written! I'm still smiling, well, chuckling, too!