Breaking news: World War II was Hitler's fault
Hitler, Churchill, and World War II have gotten some attention recently thanks to an interview Tucker Carlson did with a guy who thinks Hitler was a sweetheart and Churchill was the real villain of the war. The guy needs to get out more and maybe read a book or two on the subject. Although one wouldn’t think so by now, the wretched Adolph Hitler’s role in starting the war requires some further attention.
Several years ago Hitler’s diaries were purported to have been discovered. It turned out it was an elaborate hoax. However, we have it on good authority that what you will read here are excerpts from the real thing. Honest. We’re not making this up. Well…
February1, 1919
I still can’t believe we lost the war. I don’t think we lost. Stabbed in the back, that’s what happened. Those damned Jews! And the bankers. Bastards! All of them. I miss the war.
February 4, 1919
I’ve been working as an intelligence officer for the military for a few months now. I spy on people, German people. I’ve been spying on the German Workers’ Party. They want to overthrow the government. They hate the Jews and the Marxists. I hate the Jews and the Marxists. I’m going to keep my eye on them.
March 15, 1919
Joined the German Workers’ Party.
November 9, 1923
I’m so depressed. Yesterday, I tried to start the revolution from a beer hall. Granted, it was a big beer hall, but it was filled with a bunch of drunken Germans. And we’re supposed to be the master race. I didn’t get very far. We’re doomed. I’ll surely be arrested since I’m pretty sure it’s against the law. I have made a note to start the next revolution earlier in the day – before they’ve finished off their first pint. I’m so depressed. I’m an idiot.
August 25, 1924
Jail isn’t so bad. I have been dictating my book to Hess. His penmanship is much better than mine. Maybe if my penmanship had been better I would have been a better painter. Who knows? Instead, I’m in jail for treason. Hess gets excited when I say I hate the Jews. I get excited when I say I hate the Jews. Bastards! I haven’t got a title for my book yet. I thought about calling it Salad Recipes, but Hess reminded me there are no actual salad recipes in the book. My struggle is coming up with a title. Hey, wait a minute!
May 11, 1926
I have been hearing some things about Mussolini in Italy. The guy is quite a gas bag. Still, I think I might be able to learn from his oratory. They still won’t let me speak in public. I practice a lot in front of the mirror, waving my arms around like I know what I’m doing. I’m hoping to get good enough that I can stay out of jail next time. Maybe I can get my own radio show. National Socialism with Adolph, perhaps. It would be radio, so I wouldn’t need a better haircut.
February 25, 1927
Must buy stamps.
July 2, 1929
Goebbels is very loyal. He’s a great liar, even better than me and I’m pretty good. He said he’d follow me anywhere. I wonder if he’s lying. Still, he does follow me wherever I go. I wouldn’t mind a little privacy in the men’s room once in a while. Must speak with him about that. It’s a little annoying and it makes me a little concerned about him.
July 17, 1930
I’ve been thinking about the end of the Great War. Cowardly back-stabbing bastards! I’m so depressed. I remember I had a different mustache then. Much prefer what I’ve got now. So what if it looks like that Chaplin guy?
Maybe he did have his first. So what? Who pays attention to American movies anyway? Okay, so everybody watches his movies. Is he ever going to rule America? No! Still, I’m depressed.
October 4, 1930
The Weimar government. What a disaster. The inflation of the Twenties – outrageous! We were still demoralized by the surrender in 1918. Germany was a mess. It took nearly half of one’s life savings to buy a simple pair of shoe laces. This was a huge problem, although those of us who favored loafers weren’t nearly as bad off.
January 30, 1933
Can’t believe how easy it was to become Chancellor. They just gave it to me. The Nazis came in second in the election. It was even better than coming in first! They think they can control me. Ha! They are idiots! I think I have a pimple inside my ear. It hurts a lot. Must remember to outlaw pimples. Tried some non-alcoholic champagne tonight. Not impressed. Eva got sloshed. I noticed her thighs are getting a little chunky, more so than normal.
I’m going to be in control! Can’t wait to start throwing Jews into camps. Who’s going to stop me? Who should I invade first?
March 16, 1935
I can’t wait to dominate Europe. I think I can use it as a weight control regimen. I can burn off those unwanted calories, especially after Eva’s chocolate Bavarian pies. We Germans, as a people, tend to get a little chubby, what with all that sauerkraut and strudel. This is why we need some breathing room to the West and also to the East.
Jogging is not for me. It’s okay for the masses, but not for me. As the leader of the German people, it wouldn’t look good for me to be seen running around Berlin. Besides, I get blisters. It seems none of my other senior officers exercise either, except Goering. It’s a riot when we make him do sit-ups during our Nazi meetings. He looks like a walrus but with shorter fins. That guy can sure sweat!
March 7, 1936
Today I sent 32,000 troops into the Rhineland. I’m a little nervous. We aren’t prepared for a conflict. But we need the space. I have put on fifteen pounds! And Eva – don’t get me started. Of course, it would be good to have a shorter march into France once we get stronger.
Still, I remain worried. What if the French fight back? We’ll get slaughtered. But it is the French. What am I worried about?
September 29, 1938
Today I signed the Munich Agreement with Chamberlain. What a gullible sap. Almost didn’t get to sign it, though. My ink well was empty. One of Goering’s practical jokes, I suspect. The little bastard. Anyway, we got the Sudetenland.
September 30, 1938
I heard Chamberlain say we’d achieved peace for our time and was waving around a piece of paper. He thinks he’s got a copy of the Munich Agreement. It’s an advertisement for a sofa. He can’t read German. What will Goering pull next?
October 3, 1938
I wish Churchill would shut the hell up. He thinks I’m a monster. Well, sure I am, but what makes him such a big deal, anyway? Nobody listens to him. What if they start? Nah, that’ll never happen.
August 23, 1939
Ribbentrop signed the Nazi-Soviet Non-Aggression pact. That’ll buy us time until we invade the hell out of Russia. Stalin will never retaliate, not with a mustache like that. How can anyone with that mustache be a threat to me? You can’t even see his upper lip. It’s just like any country. A country must have definite territorial borders. If not, conflicts will arise. The same is true for a man’s mustache or a woman’s mustache in the case of Mrs. Goering. If a mustache does not have definite borders you will get into serious problems, especially if you eat that Italian food with Mussolini.
September 1, 1940
Invaded Poland. Had a salad.
December 2, 1940
Today I gave Himmler his performance review. I told him he was one of the greatest chicken farmers of all time. He keeps the Third Reich well stocked with eggs. I lied. He’s an incompetent boob.
June 22, 1941
Invaded the hell out of Russia. I ordered out for lunch.
December 11, 1941
Declared war on the United States. They should stay the hell out of Europe. What did I ever do to them? They probably won’t bother us much.
July 16, 1942
The Allies are fighting back. That wasn’t supposed to happen. Churchill called me a guttersnipe. I’m not exactly sure what that is but I think it’s bad. The bastard! I hate him! I’m so depressed.
October 15, 1944
My troops on the Eastern Front are going the wrong way. What the hell? Who appointed these generals? The bastards!
April 29, 1945
Even Goebbels can’t cheer me up today. I’m tired of the bunker. The Russians are surrounding us like we’ve got a sale on bratwurst. Hell, I’d give them all the bratwurst they want if they’d just leave us alone. What did we ever do to them? Oh, yeah. Never mind.
I’m going to marry Eva. Of course, she’s no beauty, but she inevitably laughs at my jokes. Everybody used to laugh at my jokes, even the bad ones – it was a requirement to avoid being shot. Goebbels would always laugh the loudest and longest. He still says he’d follow me anywhere. I hope he’s just cleaning that pistol.
This is not the final solution I had in mind.
As we well know, Hitler came to a fitting and abrupt end on that April day in 1945 after causing great carnage in Europe around the world and death to millions. The little guttersnipe was no more. The war in Europe ended within weeks and in the Pacific a few months after that.
On the other hand, Churchill saved Europe and the world.