Despite that Donald Trump has been indicted more times than The Dude says f*%k in The Big Lebowski, polling consistently shows his support growing. The coordinated effort by Democrats to discredit him seems to have had the opposite effect. This has caused severe consternation, if not constipation, within the Joe Biden reelection campaign.
There is now a concerted effort to get Biden to mention his criminal record, albeit fictional, whenever he gives a speech. As a bonus for his campaign, whatever time he takes talking about his fictitious criminal record means less time talking about his real-life presidential record.
Here is an excerpt from a recent speech Biden gave at Prairie View Elementary School in Wilmington, South Carolina.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and trans of all ages. I hope there will be more of the latter by the end of my, er, uh…speech. I’m pleased to be here today and am thrilled that the sixth-grade class has taken over the principal’s office. I see him tied up in the corner over there. Hey, how are ya, big fella? The Secret Service will, uh, probably untie you after I leave. You know, speaking of the Secret Service, I used to give them dirty pictures that women would send to me back when I was a senator or something. Don’t know what they did with them, except laminate them and give them back to me. I keep them in a box in my garage, right next to the classified documents. Let’s everybody stand up for the Secret Service.
I’m here today to talk about my criminal record. I’ve been arrested way more times than my Republican opponent. In fact, I’ve been arrested more times than all other presidents combined. You think I’m kidding. I think it’s time the American people know this, like I know it – whether it’s true or not.
You know, I remember the first time I was arrested. I…I was marching with my uncle. He…he was, uh, the first All-American football player who never attended college. Of course, when I was marching with my uncle, that was before he was eaten by cannibals. We were marching for more carbonation in Royal Crown Cola, I think. I remember spending the night in jail with a guy who said he was an All-American football player who didn’t attend college. Oh, yeah, that was my uncle. I…uh…I forgot. True story.
Then, I remember getting arrested for being a lifeguard for Dr. J, Dr, Kildare, Dr. Phil, and, of course, Dr. Jill Biden. She’s the vice president, you know. Back then I was the only lifeguard for doctors in the tri-state area. I’m not sure what five states those were now. Anyway, I was arrested because…uh, did I mention my uncle was the first cannibal to be eaten by an All-American? You people think I’m kidding.
Back when I was in law school…you know, I would have finished at the top of my class if it wasn’t for every other student finishing ahead of me. Uh, I was marching for better access to ice cream for the lactose intolerant. I got arrested when I threw up on a policeman who tried to take my scoop of rocky road away from me. Spent the night in jail with some guy who…who, uh, said he was from Denver, I think it was. He…uh…he said he was working on a song about mountains. I told him they took my rocky road away from me and how I threw up on the cop. That gave him the idea for a song…Rocky Mountain something or other. Wonder whatever happened to him?
Biden closed by asking the grade school students to make sure they voted for him in whatever month the election is in. He then had the Secret Service hand out Crayons and mail-in ballots to each student to ensure they voted. He also told the students it is probably a bad idea to throw up on a cop.
Loved it! Thanks! :))